Monday, August 14, 2006

How quickly it can turn on you...

Saturday will be a day to remember... we woke up, sobered up, and hung around. I had a bunch of people over, and we were all pretty groggy that morning. However, it was like a scene straight out of a movie. We all were sitting around my parents room, all still in our pajamas, sitting on the bed, on the floor, on chairs... just gathered around and talking. It was like a perfect gathering of friends. Eventually, just five of us were left. Me and one of my friends Madison made sausages and grilled cheese, respectively, for everyone. The other three helped clean my house up a bit (which I was extremely grateful for!). Eventually just Madison and I were left. Then, she came over and joined us. Madison later left us, and we went to the park and just sat around in the cool shade, lay on the grass and played frisbee. Later on in the night, I took her to see this dance movie, "Step up". It's really good, and she liked it because she's a dancer. I drove her home, and we had a real good talk. We just talked, and it felt real good to just be able to talk to someone again. I dropped her off at home, and walked her to her door, and hugged her goodnight... only she wouldn't let go. We just stood there for a couple minuites just hugging... It was great. I was driving home, and didn't want the day to end... I just drove. That's all I did. I turned up my music really high, and just drove. I got lost in the hills, in the plateau, but i didn't care. I was free, I was happy, something I hadn't felt in about a year. Life was looking up that night. I lived... I was happy to be who I was, I wasn't regarded as a bad person.. The world didn't frown upon me... for those moments, the world let me live... Everything was perfect.

Apparently Not.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend, who's having some tough times right now. I haven't been able to see her lately, but she's been on my mind, and I got a chance to chat with her on google chat. I was asking her how things were, 'cause I cared. I was feeling sad for her, I didn't want her to be going through any pain... And she tells me she has to tell me something. She's very honest, and has been my close friend for 5 years, I love her to death. When someone like that tells you they want to bitchslap you along with a bunch of other people... that's a feeling i'd not felt since i was with my last girlfriend. It felt like in the course of a few minuites, people went from caring about me and actually being okay with my existence, to hating me. Maybe this is the way it is with IM, the reason i hate it, but What I gathered is that a bunch of people now hate me.

I left something out in my last post. The girl and one of my good friends have history. He liked her for a really long time, and had a large soft spot for her. I was aware of this from the beginning, which is why I talked to him about it a month ago. He said it was fine that I hung out with her, I told him the reason I haven't asked her out is him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, hes' a great guy. He said it was fine, but I still had an inclination not to ask the girl to be more than friends. I just didnt do it, even though he said it was fine. So now I find out through my good 5-year friend, that I'm "Killing him". Everyone wants to "bitchslap [me] back to sheeba".. i really don't know what i can do... I feel evil again, i am so upset because for once in a long time i felt like i was not being a bad person... apparently not. I was so happy because with this girl i could be happy, and i didn't feel like the devil, which is the way my last long relationship made me feel. I always felt like an asshole, like i was doing everything wrong, because she had made me feel like that. This new girl is great because i don't feel that way with her. So now i'm evil again. Great. I really don't know what to do anymore... I feel so torn between two things i want to do... i don't want to hurt my friend, and I really want to be with this girl... Maybe I should actually talk to him again, and see how he feels... because i really don't want to be evil anymore... anything but that.