Monday, August 21, 2006

All's good that ends good

Well all that was stupid...

My friend and I are better than ever. It turns out we meant all the things we said, we just blew them out of proportion because of IM... :P we promised never to fight over IM again. Good idea, in my mind. IM always has its way of becoming deeper than it is. You don't have the inflection in the voice to work with, so sometimes assumptions are made and people guess and create their own version of what is said. It's not through anyone's fault, that's just the way it is. It might have something to do with what you hear is 20% of what matters, and 80% is HOW you say it, with inflection, tone, gestures, whatnot. However, everything ended up perfect, and i'm extremely glad that i didn't lose a great friendship that night... because good ones are truly something to hold on to. Truly.

I am seriously glad that This girl has come along. She has made me forget about all the past, the last heartache, the tears and the pain... Shes made me forget everything. She lights me up, makes me smile, and Makes me feel warm inside.... It is at that point right now, where I can't wait to see her again, and I wait by the phone for her to call, I check my email fanatically, and count the days till i see her again. I love this. However, uncertainty is defenitely a love-hate thing... I cannot help but have my doubts about her feelings. Sometimes there are no doubts that she feels the same way about me, like when we're together... however sometimes I question that maybe we are just friends in her mind... I really do not know... I hope I am the one who can make her happy, I'm not giving up hope... Her hugs are defenitely an indication for the better, but hugs can also be shared between friends... Whatever makes her happy will have to be the deciding factor. If it is not me, then it is not me... Until I figure this out, I will live in happy ambiguity...

I love it.

Monday, August 14, 2006

How quickly it can turn on you...

Saturday will be a day to remember... we woke up, sobered up, and hung around. I had a bunch of people over, and we were all pretty groggy that morning. However, it was like a scene straight out of a movie. We all were sitting around my parents room, all still in our pajamas, sitting on the bed, on the floor, on chairs... just gathered around and talking. It was like a perfect gathering of friends. Eventually, just five of us were left. Me and one of my friends Madison made sausages and grilled cheese, respectively, for everyone. The other three helped clean my house up a bit (which I was extremely grateful for!). Eventually just Madison and I were left. Then, she came over and joined us. Madison later left us, and we went to the park and just sat around in the cool shade, lay on the grass and played frisbee. Later on in the night, I took her to see this dance movie, "Step up". It's really good, and she liked it because she's a dancer. I drove her home, and we had a real good talk. We just talked, and it felt real good to just be able to talk to someone again. I dropped her off at home, and walked her to her door, and hugged her goodnight... only she wouldn't let go. We just stood there for a couple minuites just hugging... It was great. I was driving home, and didn't want the day to end... I just drove. That's all I did. I turned up my music really high, and just drove. I got lost in the hills, in the plateau, but i didn't care. I was free, I was happy, something I hadn't felt in about a year. Life was looking up that night. I lived... I was happy to be who I was, I wasn't regarded as a bad person.. The world didn't frown upon me... for those moments, the world let me live... Everything was perfect.

Apparently Not.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend, who's having some tough times right now. I haven't been able to see her lately, but she's been on my mind, and I got a chance to chat with her on google chat. I was asking her how things were, 'cause I cared. I was feeling sad for her, I didn't want her to be going through any pain... And she tells me she has to tell me something. She's very honest, and has been my close friend for 5 years, I love her to death. When someone like that tells you they want to bitchslap you along with a bunch of other people... that's a feeling i'd not felt since i was with my last girlfriend. It felt like in the course of a few minuites, people went from caring about me and actually being okay with my existence, to hating me. Maybe this is the way it is with IM, the reason i hate it, but What I gathered is that a bunch of people now hate me.

I left something out in my last post. The girl and one of my good friends have history. He liked her for a really long time, and had a large soft spot for her. I was aware of this from the beginning, which is why I talked to him about it a month ago. He said it was fine that I hung out with her, I told him the reason I haven't asked her out is him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, hes' a great guy. He said it was fine, but I still had an inclination not to ask the girl to be more than friends. I just didnt do it, even though he said it was fine. So now I find out through my good 5-year friend, that I'm "Killing him". Everyone wants to "bitchslap [me] back to sheeba".. i really don't know what i can do... I feel evil again, i am so upset because for once in a long time i felt like i was not being a bad person... apparently not. I was so happy because with this girl i could be happy, and i didn't feel like the devil, which is the way my last long relationship made me feel. I always felt like an asshole, like i was doing everything wrong, because she had made me feel like that. This new girl is great because i don't feel that way with her. So now i'm evil again. Great. I really don't know what to do anymore... I feel so torn between two things i want to do... i don't want to hurt my friend, and I really want to be with this girl... Maybe I should actually talk to him again, and see how he feels... because i really don't want to be evil anymore... anything but that.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

An interest in confusion

So it really feels like there is a void all of a sudden in my life... Nate partying up in montreal. It's going to be real weird... no more fun random stops at my house... no more late night romps just because. No more drunken rants... not for a while. I'm going to miss him more and more. I guess it's because It hasn't really sunk in that he's gone. I'm sure everyone's gone through such a phase, where it just seems like the person is real busy, and can't call you or e-mail you because they don't have time to sit, so you try to be understanding and in the back of your head you know you'll see them eventually? except SOON eventually? Eventually for seeing Nate is like 6 months... and it just hasn't sunk in yet.

It might be because my mind is preoccupied with something else... or should i say someone else? Well I never thought I'd get over my last relationship, which lasted for 1 and a half years, but I have gotten over it like... a month ago. We split up 2 months ago, and i think the reason that i got over her so fast, is that through about half the relationship, i didnt feel loved. Sure there was awesome times, don't get me wrong! ... but I am a person who needs love... who needs lots of understanding, who needs a lot of hugs, and a lot of care. I need someone who will call me and care to talk. Someone who will talk, someone who i can listen to, and someone who just is happy to be with me. This last girl didn't always seem that way, and I was desperately trying to hold on to the relationship for a long time, because i had faith and because I just love... that's what i do.

And now here's someone spectacular!:D This girl has the smile of an angel... she gets me everytime with her gaze. Her hugs are just like mine, cozy and warm. I haven't known her long, but we've already been out a couple times... i am pretty sure that she knows I have feelings for her... see i'm very excited to have someone who makes me feel loved, so I can never wait for her when she says "I'll call you". I almost always either e-mail her or text her first. It's just I feel that she's not as interested in me as i am in her... of course, it's just me being stupid, i'm not making assumptions. But you know how it is when one is falling for someone, they lose control kind of... It's like you're not the person you usually are. I mean you're the same, just you have a slower reaction time and your IQ drops about 40 points. You can't stop it, though! I know she's busy, so I understand that she can't always call me, or e-mail me or text me. I don't blame her. I jsut can never wait until i hear from her, no matter what i'm doing! It's terrible! I don't want to get annoying, i don't want her to see that i'm this clingy guy who needs attention... i just really enjoy talking to her, and want to do it more! I just felt like I needed to say that out loud. I shall now go wait for her to call me!

Saturday, August 05, 2006


Well... Phew...

What a Day....

One of my real good friends, Nate, Just shipped off to Join the military... I won't see him for a good 6 months, he says. I am scared, even though he doesn't go into action just yet. However, I know he will, eventually. He really likes to do this stuff, and hes' been doing military - related things for a long time. So I know he's going to strive to become something big in that field. He sure has potential, and has the guts for it... and moreover, he loves it.

The whole time, when we were at the airport, It felt like i was going to see him before I knew it... However, when we got to the gate, the true feelings shone through. You know how everyone hides what they're really feeling... well it is one of those small moments of truth when everyone just lets it all go. It's like they all want this person to know how they feel because they feel themselves like they won't see them ever again. So it's like they feel they owe it to the person to tell them the truth.

I really started to cry when I noticed another moment of truth. A beam of light shining through the shrouds. I saw two brothers connect. Nate and his brother Ray don't usually hang out much. I mean, whenever I see the two together, they're like just "oh cool, so hes' there, whatever." And typical brother stuff. Stuff like, "oh i'm too cool to show that I really love my brother, who's my own flesh and blood". However, when Nate was leaving, he handed his brother a small wooden box. And, In that moment, they connnected. It was as if both of them were saying, out loud, "I love you, and there ain't a goddamned thing you can do about it. I know you've known it, but here's me admitting out loud that I do." Call me extremely sentimental, but It touched me a LOT. I was moved to tears by just seeing these two brothers connect. As if nothing else in the world mattered, they just cared for eachother.

It was difficult. Nate really wanted to go, because it's what he loves to do. In that context I was happy for him. However, I didn't want to see him go. I knew I was going to miss him, because we've shared some kick - ass times together. In a large way I felt selfish, because I felt like I wanted to keep him from something he wanted to do. We toasted to him at dinner. I'll miss him.

Come back Nate. I need booze.